Optional: Relationship Check In

“Above all, keep a close watch on this-that you are never so tied to your acquaintances and friends that you are pulled down to their level. If you don't, you'll be ruined. ... You must choose whether to be loved by these friends and remain the same person, or to become a better person at the cost of those friends . . . if you try to have it both ways you will neither make progress nor keep what you once had.” ~Epictetus

Once you’ve identified your values, it’s critical to take a look at the people you surround yourself with. The old saying we become more like the people we spend time with is trite. But sometimes things are trite because they are true.

The question isn’t whether their values are the same as yours. If you choose 3-5, the likelihood of that is low. The question is whether their values are opposed to yours.

If I value peaceful relationships and someone loves drama and fighting, they probably aren’t someone I should spend a ton of time with. If I value ambition and I’m surrounded by friends who give me a hard time when I aspire to something better, I probably should find friends who challenge and push me instead.

Process:

• List the 5-10 closest relationships you have in your life. Don’t include parents and/or siblings unless you spend a material amount of time with them (or talking with them.) Focus on the people who you interact with the most.
• For each, take a stab at what you think they value. They might disagree with your judgments. But again, values are best evidenced by the actions one takes - by how they live their lives. Even though you don’t see their thoughts, you probably have a good sense of what they value.
• Hold those values up against your own. Ask yourself if there are any obvious conflicts between them.
• Ask yourself which relationships are making you a better person? Which are negatively impacting the person you’re becoming?
• Optional: A deep source of meaning can come from helping others. Who are people I should spend more time with because I’m a positive influence on their lives?

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